Mom to Mom: Comforting Warmth

By Barb Blosser

Warmth…what kinds of images come to your mind? Something that is indicated on the thermostat? My son, Eric, told me that the smell of kerosene makes him feel warm. (really, Eric?) Then he reminded me that as a child we used a kerosene heater that emitted an orange glow and heat, and made him feel cozy. Maybe some of us seasoned women experience a hot flash—a type of “warmth” that is definitely not comfortable or welcomed.

Or maybe it’s an emotional feeling? What does it mean when someone greets you warmly? I feel welcomed and loved—like that person is really glad to see me and values my relationship with them. Often my little granddaughter, Bella, will throw her arms around me and out of the blue say, “Nana, I love you!” Melt my heart—warmth.

Even as I write this article, I have a fire in the fireplace and am listening to a CD called “Piano Chill”. It produces a feeling of coziness and reflection—no “chill” at all!

I interviewed some of my family and friends on what “warmth” meant to them, relationally, emotionally, external, internal, eternal, and I received great insight from them! My daughter-in-law, Diedra, describes external warmth as a “feeling of coziness, thinking of times of relaxation, a cup of coffee, sitting by the fire, a warm blanket, a hot bath, time to ‘just be’ that doesn’t just happen as a mom. It has to be intentional on our part. Slow down –the hustle and bustle and stresses do not make me think ‘warmth.’“

I worked for many years in an OB/GYN office and saw hundreds of newborn babies. Some of those precious little lives were born into a cruel, cold world, where they were not welcomed or nurtured. I would often cradle them and whisper a prayer of protection, and that somehow they would find that Jesus loved them. The ‘cold’ people we run into everyday, were once little newborn babies just like that, but life has been harsh to them, and they develop survival mechanisms that protect them, but produce coldness in their spirits.

A person’s body language can convey warmth or coldness to us. We’ve all experienced it. Eye contact, a smile, or lack thereof, conveys the “temperature”. When you feel frustrated with someone, there’s a rift in the relationship, it’s hard to be “warm” to him/her. It’s much more effective to give them the “cold shoulder” so they “get the point!”

Eternal warmth—I loved this description Deidra gave, so I’m going to just quote it for you:

“Sun and light are at the forefront when thinking about warmth. When I think about warmth, images of sitting by a fire or a cat lying in a sun patch on the carpet are two pretty strong images from my childhood. And when I think of the word eternal with warmth it makes me think of the Bible describing heaven as the eternal day, no more darkness and night. Walking in the Light to its fullest. No more sin, no more stumbling in darkness. God himself will be our light forever. For moms (and anyone) this is a source of hope. This life is a struggle, there are bad days and there are even worse days and many times we don't live up to our own expectations, but God knows that. Only one Person was perfect and our hope is in Him and that someday He will make all things right. We are eternally clothed with the righteousness of Christ because of the blood he shed on the cross and that is the best 'security blanket' ever.”

So, how does one learn to be a warm person, and how does a mom teach it to her children? First and foremost, we as moms have to be a good example to our kids. Proverbs 31:26 says, “She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” Lots of hugs and kisses and smiles are essential for them to experience warmness. Asking them for forgiveness when we mess up is as important as teaching them to ask for forgiveness when they are naughty, and also teaching them to forgive others. Forgiveness doesn’t come naturally to any of us, and neither does asking for forgiveness, for that matter! Jesus said on the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” and believe me there are plenty of times I don’t know what I’m doing! It is more “natural” to withhold love and warmth, when someone has wronged us. After all…if we forgive right away, they won’t learn, right? WRONG! When we withhold like that, we not only hurt
others, we aren’t doing ourselves any favors either! Bitterness can creep in and take root so fast in one’s heart, and when that happens it “oozes” out in all the other areas in our lives. A bitter person is not a warm person.

I married into a family of missionaries and in talking to Debbie, one of my sisters-in–law, she mentioned that when they are back in the states, visiting their supporters, they experience a wide range of warmth. Some welcome them with, “make yourself at home” while others seem to put up a cool barrier. Debbie says, “ I learn a lot from these experiences, what to do and not do, when we have guests visiting.” Being hospitable is one way to express warmth to others.

Let your children “catch you smiling at them." When they are playing nicely, catch their eye and just smile. This fosters happiness and security. Teach them to respond when spoken to. Teach them manners. Teach them eye contact. Ever meet a grown adult who avoids eye contact? I often wonder what’s happened in their lives that made them so insecure that they can’t look you in the eye. I have met people who have mastered the art of being a warm person. They make you feel valued and appreciated. They smile and make eye contact. It’s so easy to respond back in like manner.

One great example of a “warm” person is my friend Elsie. She and her family are probably the most hospitable people I know. She and her husband have taught this well to their children. In talking with her about this subject, she said that is it important to give and receive love. Make it a priority of having daily one–on–one time with each child, daily prayers, daily chores, and sharing. Expecting them to interact with adults before running off to play with their friends. This pushes them out of their comfort zone, and develops warmth and hospitality.

So what about responding to a “cold” person? The checkout clerk at the grocery looks depressed, sighing as she scans yet another item. Catch her eye. Ask how she’s doing today, thank her for the work she does, SMILE. Your smile may be the only one she’s received that day.

Last year, I was at the checkout, and asked the clerk how she was doing that particular day and she told me, honestly, that she was having a bad day. She had lost her husband that year and was really missing him. It
was during the holidays, and she was just really lonely. She told me all about his hunting accident, and I just listened. When she was done, I gave her a hug and she thanked me for listening. I did not know this lady, never learned her name. God provides us all times when we can encourage others. We need to look for those opportunities and teach this to our kids as well. Even when we feel like we’re the one who needs the encouragement, becoming “other person sensitive” has a way of coming back to bless us, which in turn fills that emptiness we may be feeling.